OH MY GOD
by ShadowLeopard
Summary: Um. Somebody's got a bun in the oven? o_O****


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OH MY GOD  
  
warnings: okay, yes. This IS one of those "he's pregnant" fics. It's not serious. It's completely STUPID. It's humoring. It's BradxSchu. It's OOC. It's really, really strange. If you don't like ooc-ness, save us all the time and don't read o__O;;  
  
**  
  
"OH MY GOD!!!! What do you MEAN by THAT!? What do you MEAN, POSITIVE!?"  
  
The doctor shrugged slightly. "That's what the test says. You're positive. ...Which is extremely abnormal for someone of your..."  
  
"GENDER!?"  
  
"...That sounds like the right word."  
  
Schuldich covered his face in his hands. "Noooooooo way. This ain't right. This can't be happening. I haven't even had all the drugs I can get my hands on!! I CAN'T GIVE UP NOW!! Oh, the AGONY!"  
  
"You should be proud! You're the first of this hospital to be male and have such a... Er, status."  
  
"WHHYYYYY GOD!? WHYYY!?" Schuldich went SD and cried an ocean.  
  
The doctor sweatdropped. "This could be a long 9 months."  
  
***  
  
"Schuldich, where the hell have you been all day!? We were called to duty and--"  
  
Schuldich walked into the middle of the room and stood silent, in front of the other three Schwarz members. Taking in a deep breath, he looked up, and promptly screamed his lungs out.  
  
Nagi and Crawford fell to the floor as SDs, both of them twitching from the noise. Farfarello sat on the couch, a ^___^ expression on his face. "Schuschu's screams hurt God."  
  
Schuldich fell to the floor, and suddenly looked up after a 5 minute pause.  
  
"Well isn't someone GOING TO ASK what's WRONG DAMMIT!?"  
  
"Anou... go ahead, Crawlie."  
  
"Don't call me that!!"  
  
"Heehee."  
  
Crawford looked down at Schuldich and slowly stood up, head still ringing from the earlier noise. He kneeled down and looked at him.  
  
"Now. What's wrong?"  
  
The redhead seemed flushed, and sweatdropped, looking to the side. "Well now I don't wanna say."  
  
Nagi facefaulted.  
  
"Schuuuuuuuu, tell me what's wrong!" Crawford cried, grabbing his shoulders. "What is it!? Do you have cancer!? What the hell is--"  
  
"III'MMM PREGGNAAAANNT!" he yelled.  
  
Had Crawford not been so stunned, he would have been laughing his ass off. Nagi and Farfarello were already rolling around on the floor. (And no, not like THAT!)  
  
"What!? This is NOT funny!"  
  
"Sch..Schuschu... You can't possibly be--"  
  
Schuldich held up a piece of paper and he suddenly got big watery eyes. "Are you making fun of me?" He sniffed. "Don't tell me you're making fun of meeee, Bradlleeeyyyy!!"  
  
Crawford suddenly stopped laughing. ".......Masaka."  
  
"WELL IT HAPPENED!" Schuldich yelled. "And..and.. Oh god, no..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"...I'm..I'm going to.. I'm going to be f..FAT!!"  
  
Crawford fell on his face.  
  
"There's OTHER things to be worrying about."  
  
Schuldich cried another ocean.  
  
**  
  
[3 Months]  
  
The German sat on the couch, munching on his third back of Lays that day. Ya can't eat just one..bag. He didn't think they meant bag, but, hell. HE meant bag.  
  
"Braaadleeeeey. Did you get my passionfruit and kiwis and french-fries yet?"  
  
"I'm heading out now, Schugybear..."  
  
"Oh, then get me some ostrich jerky on your way."  
  
"Na-NI!?"  
  
"And some oreo pie that uses creamer instead of milk."  
  
"Yes, Schugybear..."  
  
**  
  
[4 Months]  
  
Brad Crawford rubbed at his temples, thanking the almighty Gackt (SL's substitute for God! ^_^) for sparing him of Schuldich. The redhead was completely knocked out, asleep and snoring up their whole bedroom. He closed the door as lightly as possible and walked down the stares, sliding down into his favorite chair and turning on the TV. It was on the Home Shopping Network, and Schuldich had already spent over six thousand American dollars on antique Barbies, antique Mickey Mouse ears signed by Walt Disney, countless SoBe bottlecaps, doujinshi including themselves just for fouth wall purposes, and all SORTS of other ridiculous tidbits and things.  
  
He switched it around.  
  
The Golf Channel.  
  
"...We have a golf channel. That's a stunning revelation."  
  
He kept flipping through. Nothing interesting. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Maybe some sports. ..Gah!  
  
MORE GOLFING!!  
  
Eyebrow twitching, Bradley set down the remote control, and promptly smashed it into little tiny pieces.  
  
Satisfied with his beatings, he picked up the newspaper. Finding an interesting article, he settled down into the chair and--  
  
"BRAAAAAAAADLEEEEEEEEY!"  
  
--put down the paper and went back upstairs. "Coming, koibito..."  
  
**  
  
The entire table was silent as they watched their food disappearing before their eyes. Six bags of potato chips, old ham, alligator's meat, shark fin, eight pounds of sushi, and who-knows-how-many gallons of water.  
  
And now their rice and okonomiyaki was gone.  
  
Nagi got big watery sniffly eyes and suddenly started crying. "I GAVE UP MY CHOCODILE FOR YOU!!! YOU DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE ME A PIECE OF SUSHI!! YOU'RE SO CRUEL, SCHU! CRUUUUEL!"  
  
"...Want my subscription to Playboy?"  
  
"God yes."  
  
"Then it's settled."  
  
"You said God. I'm going to have to carve you up. ...but I need some food first."  
  
Everyone looked at Farfarello and sweatdropped. The poor guy hadn't gotten his food dish in the cell for the past two weeks and he was getting miiiighty pissed.  
  
"Someone just give me some FOOD!"  
  
"Stop complaining!" Schuldich swallowed his chow. "Everybody's gotten their fair share."  
  
"You've gotten OUR shares! Just don't sit on me, I'll snap!"  
  
Schuldich suddenly glared. "Whaaaaaat did you say?"  
  
Crawford sighed. "Here we go."  
  
"I said you're FAT!"  
  
"Oh, that's it."  
  
"What're ya gonna do!?"  
  
"YOU ARE SO DEAD!"  
  
"Nagi, wanna go play cards?"  
  
"Ok, Crawford.."  
  
**  
  
[5 Months]  
  
"Noooo! I can't fit into my pants!"  
  
"Stay in your moomoo."  
  
"You're cruel."  
  
**  
  
[6 Months]  
  
Schuldich sighed, playing through the rest of Final Fantasy IX. He pouted. "I'm boo~oored. I haven't gotten to go cause someone a painful death in ages."  
  
Arms draped lazily over his shoulders. "Who's fault is that?"  
  
"YOURS!" Schuldich suddenly shouted at the now startled American. He pouted. "You said there was no use for the condoms. You big liar."  
  
"Well, when you had me do it with you six times in a row..."  
  
"But *still*!"  
  
Crawford suckled on Schuldich's earlobe. "Mm, wanna try for seven?"  
  
"Brad-ley!" the redhead stammered.  
  
**  
  
[7.5 Months]  
  
Farfarello knitted some cute little pink booties.  
  
Nagi sweatdropped. "Did he bribe you to do that?"  
  
Farfie blinked, looking up. He hid the knitting supplies behind his back. "You saw nothing!!"  
  
"Remind me never to hire you as a babysitter..."  
  
**  
  
[8 Months]  
  
"What do you mean, you have a craving for fish on a stick?"  
  
"Don't laugh at me, Bradley!" Schuldich pouted. "I want fish on a stick!"  
  
The American looked wary. "Want anything else? Chocolate syrup? Veal jerky? Wax fruit?"  
  
"...Just fish on a stick!"  
  
"All right. I'll be back in ..ten minutes."  
  
"Oh, and make sure it's swordfish."  
  
FACEFAULT!  
  
"Yes, koibito..." -.-  
  
**  
  
[9 Months]  
  
Anyone could see that the other people in the room besides the other three Schwarz members were slightly mind boggled by the flat-chested pregnant woman with bright red hair standing behind Takatori.  
  
/I'm not a woman,/ Schuldich pouted to himself. /You're all just crazy delusional people! CRUEL people!/  
  
Schuldich looked over at Crawford, pleadingly. /Can we go now?/  
  
/Iie. We have plenty of time leftover here./  
  
/But Bradley! I'm hungry, and--....../  
  
/What?/  
  
/OHMYGOD./  
  
/What!?/  
  
/MY WATER JUST BROKE!/  
  
/...You don't *have* one, but, okay.../  
  
/DAMMIT I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY!/  
  
/.../ *cough*  
  
"Anou... Excuse me..."  
  
Super Duper Koala Man...er, Takatori looked up. "Eh..?"  
  
"...WeneedtousethephonebecauseSchuldichisgoingtohavethebabyandwewouldn'twanthimtohave *gasps for air* thebabyherebecauseforonethingthat'dbeutterlyterribleandforanother--"  
  
"You mean that's SCHULDICH!?"  
  
All of Schwarz facefaulted.  
  
"Just give me the phone, please."  
  
"Oooooooh GOD!! GIVE HIM THE PHONE!!!"  
  
"Gee, that's something I didn't need to hear."  
  
"Shut up, Nagi."  
  
"Ok."  
  
**  
  
[The Hospital]  
  
"Breathe, Schuschu!"  
  
The doctor was completely dumfounded. "I'd heard of this, but, JEEZUS!"  
  
"Oooh my GOD I hate you Bradley!"  
"Gomen ne--EEeEeeeEEEE! Let..go..of..my..hand.. x.@"  
  
"YaaaAAAAA!"  
  
"Umm... Push, Schuldich!"  
  
"I'm PUSHING YOU *()@$#*#()@$*)@( DOCTOR!"  
  
"Yes, well..."  
  
"Oooh my God Bradley I love you, don't let go!"  
  
"Yes, Schuschu, I kn--"  
  
"I HATE YOU, I HAATE YOOOOOU!"  
  
"...I'll just let you scream now."  
  
"AAAAAAGH!"  
  
"Oh my GOD I really don't need to see this!"  
  
"AAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"  
  
"... Just.. .. ...Keep pushing."  
  
"I'll push YOU, you--"  
  
"Calm down, Schugybear..."  
  
"Oh, I'm going to get YOU pregnant! See how YOU like it!"  
  
Crawford blushed.  
  
"Hey, it's halfway there! I have no idea where it's coming from, but the baby is... Half way there!"  
  
"I'm going to kill the doctor when you're finished pushing, nee Schuschu?"  
  
"Okee. AAGGHHH!"  
  
*sweatdrop*  
  
And since SL doesn't want to write any more of that stuff... Ten, twenty, thirty minutes later...  
  
"It's... A boy!"  
  
"Thank you God!"  
  
Wrapping up the suddenly clean baby, the doctor handed the baby to Schu, who suddenly looked ridiculously motherly. Crawford, meanwhile, beat the crap out of the doctor.  



End file.
